Just recently, a good friend and I were discussing the frazzling task of raising middle school to junior high age boys. My, these are interesting years! Something happens in these years to the male mind so that these young men in pint-sized britches can’t seem to remember, or for that matter really care about, anything that requires much effort! This syndrome can drive moms who still have their own trophies and certificates from school neatly stowed away in their closets absolutely crazy. And if they happen to attend a strict school, take some kind of lessons, or play on a demanding sports league, you may find yourself flying off the handle over every single infraction. With that in mind, here are a couple of thoughts on this topic that I wish I would’ve learned sooner.
1. Give room for kids to be kids.
I had to look to my big brother Chris and his wife Lisa on this one. As their two kids, who are just a few years ahead of ours, would come home with “very serious” notes or infractions from instructors over what were merely childish offenses (like forgetting a book or leaving a sandwich on the lunch table), I would watch them shake their heads and kind of shrug with a smile. Chris and Lisa are terrific parents. They are devoted followers of Christ and are actively engaged in their kids’ lives. They instruct their children on how to be responsible and to respect authority. But you know what? They don’t freak out over kids being kids. Perhaps they go back to I Cor. 13:11 where Paul reminds us that as a child, he, like the rest of us, spoke like a child and thought like a child until he grew up.
Elyse Fitzpatrick expounds on this beautifully in her book “Give them Grace”:
“Our children have ‘childish ways’ because they are not adults. They speak, think, and reason like children because they are children. Their childish ways may be sinful, or they may be evidence of weakness or inability to think ahead, to weigh consequences, to manage their time, to remember what they were supposed to be doing, to say the right thing. There is a difference between childishness and foolishness. One is the result of normal immaturity. The other is the result of sin.”
As I watched Chris and Lisa’s family, I realized that their home was a much happier place than ours was. How nice it must be not to have mom get angry, flustered, and utterly unable to understand why you forgot a book at home or left a toy out when you should have put it away. How different to have her look at you with love and say with a smile, “Uh oh. Listen better next time. I know you can do it.” or “Hmm…is there something we can do to help you remember things?” And life goes on. And it goes on without an adult sized amount of pressure being dumped on your small, anxious shoulders.
“A merry heart doeth good like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth the bones.” Proverbs 17:22
2. Choose your Battles.
Because Chris and Lisa didn’t have a very serious family meeting or add an at home punishment to every small infraction, when there was a real discipline issue it would not be just more parental “white noise” in their children’s ears. There are serious conversations that we as parents will need to have with our kids over areas in their lives that need correction. But let’s choose our battles. If we are continually upset with them for just being children, we have lost their ear before the conversation ever begins.
“Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.” Colossians 3:21
3. Trust God.
One of the most futile things we can do as parents is worry for our children. We panic that they will never get into college because they are not ‘A’ students in eighth grade, or that they will never get a good job because at seven year olds they don’t seem to see the need to put the trash bag into the can without you reminding them, or live in dread that they will walk away from God because at age eleven they don’t have consistent devotions. Go ahead, have a serious talk with your tween about the importance of school. If there is a disrespect issue for other adults deal with it. But don’t lose your ever-loving mind! Don’t allow it to possess you until you turn looney. Pray about it. Do what you know to do and ask God to work in their hearts to complete the job.
“Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.”
Psalm 37:5
If you have been seeking the Lord’s will in raising those kids to love Him- that is what you are called to do- then leave the rest to Him. Just love God and then love the living daylights out of those kids. That is what our children need most: to see a mother who is deeply in love with her Savior and who is present with them to instruct and to tease, and to smile patiently even when the days look bleak because she knows that when it’s all said and done, grace will be a part of their journey,just as it has been part of hers.
Spot on!
Thanks, Thomas. 🙂